Funny Jokes:
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DeadliestWarrior34
After a few minutes, Nate spoke. “Jack, I have someone to introduce you to.”
Jack looked surprised. “Someone to introduce me to?” Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. “This something to do with the Big Guy?
“No, no,” replied Nate. “This is more personal. I want you to meet my son.” Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. “Sammy!”
Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever.
“Yo, Jack,” said the new, much smaller snake.
“Yo, Sammy” replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. “Named after Samuel, I assume?”
Nate nodded. “Jack, I’ve got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?” Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. “When Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance – to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.
“He’s seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it’s not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?”
Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn’t even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. “Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?” Jack could sense that was something more.
Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, “Oh, yeah. Ummm, I’ve gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!” Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.
Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. “Jack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don’t even want to know what it took for me to find a mate.” Nate grinned to himself. “But anyway, I had a son for a reason. I’m tired. I’m ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement.”
Jack considered this for a minute. “So, you’re ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?”
Nate shook his head. “No, Jack – you’re a better guesser than that. You’ve already figured out – I’m bound here – there’s only one way for me to leave here. And I’m ready. It’s my time to die.”
Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this – probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuel’s decision, and now Nate’s. So, all Jack said was, “What do you want me to do?”
Nate nodded. “Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One – show Sammy around the world – let him get his fill of it, until he’s ready to come back here and take over. Two – give me the fourth request.
“I can’t just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won’t even die of old age like you eventually will, even though it’ll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I’ll be able to die. And I need you to kill me.
“I’ve even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won’t work on me. And I’ve seen pictures of snakes that were shot – some of them live for days, so that’s out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.
Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. “I’d say an axe, but that’s somewhat undignified – putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me.
“You willing to do that for me, Jack?” Nate turned back to look at Jack.
“Yeah, Nate,” replied Jack solemnly, “I think I can handle that.”
Nate nodded. “Good!” He turned back toward the dune and shouted, “Sammy! Jack’s about ready to leave!” Then quietly, “Thanks, Jack.”
Jack didn’t have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following. Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general.
When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He’d come to realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didn’t want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.
So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn’t have a foot) and told Jack that it was time – he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he’d learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate.
When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.
When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when he’d met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn’t really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he’d forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They’d either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.
As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that he’d go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight.
Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert.
Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didn’t really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he’d decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jack’s driving. -
DeadliestWarrior34
As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune – the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he’d gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side.
Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn’t have enough traction. He pumped the brakes – no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.
Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down – the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didn’t do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity.
Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn’t working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever – he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever – he wouldn’t have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away.
Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit – every little bit would help. He’d have to time his turn just right.
The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadn’t seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn’t wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side.
Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing.
Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, “BETTER NATE THAN LEVER,” he ran over the snake. -
ohiobucks1
What do an eagle and a mole have in common?
They both live underground except for the eagle... -
Raw Dawgin' it
@Deadliestwarrior - Go fuck yourself with a brick, phaggot. -
THE4RINGZ
That long ass "joke" lost me about three sentences in. -
DeadliestWarrior34
THE4RINGZ;1219845 wrote:That long ass "joke" lost me about three sentences in.
It's worth the read if you have the time. -
BRF
You tell jokes like my father-in-law. LOOOOONG!DeadliestWarrior34;1219847 wrote:It's worth the read if you have the time. -
Raw Dawgin' it
The joke is on anyone who takes the time to read that garbage.DeadliestWarrior34;1219847 wrote:It's worth the read if you have the time. -
ernest_t_bass
DeadliestWarrior34;1219847 wrote:It's worth the read if you have the time.
You are a terrible human being. -
BR1986FBA small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The copper said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer
and women!" -
BR1986FBIsadore goes to the bar with his dog, a huge pitbull, mean nasty thing.
at the
end of the bar is a guy with a small short yellow dog.
Isadore,, being
slightly wasted already, says "my dog can beat your dog, ill bet you a bottle
of jack".
well, ,they go outside and the little yellow dog just destroys
the pitbull ,kills it.
sobbing, Isadore asks "what kind of dog is that
anyway?"
man says, "well, before I cut his tail off and painted him
yellow, he was an alligator -
BR1986FBA police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had
been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the
brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey
and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and
shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the
officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey
pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They
were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes!" the monkey motioned.
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held
them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes." the monkey
confirmed.
"What else?"
The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing
before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all
this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey. -
BR1986FBA friend told the blonde, "Christmas is on a Friday this year...."
The
blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Two blondes find three grenades, and
they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked, "What if one
explodes before we get there?"
The other says, "We'll lie and say we only
found two."
A blond is in the bathroom and her
husband shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"
She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure
what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
A blonde goes to the vet with her
goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.
The vet takes
a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde says, "I haven't
taken it out of the bowl yet!"
A blonde spies a letter lying on her
doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND"
She spends the next 2
hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A blonde was driving home, drunk as a
skunk.
Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then
another.
A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees
in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
A blonde's dog goes missing and she is
frantic.
Her husband says, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
She
does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the
paper?" her husband asks.
"Here boy!" she replies.
A blond is in jail. A guard looks in
her cell and sees her hanging by her feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he
asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your
neck!" says the Guard.
"I know," she replies, "but I couldn't breathe."
An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why
do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde
replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
Two
Blondes walk into a building, you think one of them would have seen it. -
BR1986FBI took my wife to the disco last weekend.
There was a guy on the dance
floor giving it all: breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips....you know....."the
works".
My wife said, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned
him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating....!!! " -
BR1986FBA Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.
Elizabeth, a "beautiful"
golfer who lived in a villa on the
golf course heard the noise and
yelled over to him.
"Hey, are you okay, what's your
name?"
"Willie, I’m Ok" he replied.
"Willie forget your troubles.
Come to my villa,
rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willie answered,
"but I don't think
my wife would like it."
"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was
very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," Willie finally agreed, And
added,
"but my wife won't like it."
After a hearty drink and
driving and putting lessons,
Willie thanked his host. "I feel a lot
better now, but I
know my wife is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile ,
she wont know
anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!" -
hoops23
"Knock Knock"
"Doors open"
Fin. -
DeadliestWarrior34
hoops23;1220002 wrote:"Knock Knock"
"Doors open"
Fin.
-
gerb131
A poor kid and his dad only have a duck. The dad tells the kid to go to town to sell that duck.
On his way in a lady asks to fuck him for that duck so the kid does
He is on his way back and thinks my dad is going to be pissed. He finds the lady and says I'll need to to fuck you for that duck.
Whilst in the middle of fucking a truck comes around hits the duck kid says sir I need something for that. Trucker gives him 20$ for his duck
Kid comes back to his dad and gives him 20 bucks dad says you did good son.
Son says yep I got a fuck for a duck a duck for a fuck and 20 bucks for a fucked up duck. -
gerb131
What do you call a guy who sits on the porch with no arms and no legs?
Matt -
ernest_t_bass
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs:gerb131;1220186 wrote:What do you call a guy who sits on the porch with no arms and no legs?
Matt
... On Stage?
Mike
... In a pile of leaves?
Russel
... In a hole?
Phil
... Outside of a hole?
Doug
... Water Skiing?
Skip
... In a pond?
Bob -
ernest_t_bass
What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
Ilene
What do you call an Asian woman with one leg longer than the other?
Irene -
wraith51
So a penguin was driving and having car trouble so he takes his car to the mechanic. Mechanic tells him it may take a bit, so the penguin goes across the street to and ice cream shop to get himself an ice cream cone. Since he is a penguin he was having trouble holding the ice cream cone with his flippers and as a result was getting the ice cream all over his beak and flippers. So, at this point he makes it back to the mechanic and the mechanic turns and tells the penguin "you blew a seal" the penguin replies "no, it's just ice cream." -
said_aouita
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot -
skank
wraith51;1220619 wrote:So a penguin was driving and having car trouble so he takes his car to the mechanic. Mechanic tells him it may take a bit, so the penguin goes across the street to and ice cream shop to get himself an ice cream cone. Since he is a penguin he was having trouble holding the ice cream cone with his flippers and as a result was getting the ice cream all over his beak and flippers. So, at this point he makes it back to the mechanic and the mechanic turns and tells the penguin "you blew a seal" the penguin replies "no, it's just ice cream."
Most penguins can't drive. -
vball10setWhat do you call a guy with no arms or legs? Matt