Lost my job today

• wes_mantooth

  

  I'm sitting in the breakroom enjoying a fine turkey sandwich when I look at the sports section of the local newspaper. I read about my former high school, enjoying the fact that they became terrible as soon as I graduated (granted I never played or even went to a game, but I'm sure my presence on campus had some sort of residual effect), when I turn to page 3 and see the state university's softball highlights.
  
  Realizing I had 20 minutes left in my lunch and due to a complicated series of events which I will not get into could not masturbate last night even though I sincerely needed to, I decided to be adventurous. I walked into the employee bathroom, which is two stalls side by side, and begin taking care of my business. I am quiet as a mouse, but still paranoid, and sincerely want to finish before someone enters and complicates things. I spit on my hand to speed things up, but it isn't enough. I regret not taking the newspaper into the bathroom with me.
  
  Suddenly, the door opens and the stall next to mine is occupied. I look at their feet for a hint, but cannot deduce who it is. They hurriedly put then a toilet seat cover, sit down, and subsequently unleashed such a fierce explosion I was amazed they didn't fly out of the door of the stall. When the smell hit me it was unbearable, and I could instantly feel my boner wilting in my hands. This enraged me; all I wanted to do was toss one off, and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit through four more hours of pencil pushing with blue balls.
  
  I spit on my hand again and furiously attack, not caring for the obnoxious sound it makes. The inhuman explosions, however, continue for God knows how long. I continue waging the losing battle as well, and feel my hand begin to ache from the harsh grip I am applying. The demon to my left begins the wiping process, flushing multiple times in between. Red-faced and exasperated, I feel a tiny groan escape from my lips.
  
  Panicked, I hear a husky whisper from the other stall, "are you jerking off?" The fact that it is my manager's voice adds to my panic. "No!" I practically shout, all my emotions coming out at the worst possible time.
  
  "God dammit, Mike!" he yells. His ordeal has clearly had a negative effect on him. "God dammit! You're jerking off in my bathroom!"
  
  "No!" is the only word capable of escaping from my quivering lips.
  
  He then stormed out of the bathroom, not even washing his hands. I sat on the toilet in a state of shock, unsure of what to do. I was almost certainly going to be fired, but how much would it suck to endure such a terrible situation while your balls ached with the fury of Thor? I had no choice, my friends, I had to persevere.
  
  The pervasive smell made things difficult but I was fiercely determined. I spat out massive wads of saliva onto my hand and attacked my cock with all my power. Some five minutes into it I hear the door creak open again, but am so close I ignore it. Another groan slips out as I am so close to my cherished goal, but then; "What the ****, are you still doing it? I'm calling security!"
  
  And so we come to the close of my story, friends. Yes, I masturbated in the bathroom at work. Yes, I was caught by my manager, and yes, I was escorted from the building in handcuffs by two burly black men armed with batons. But as I type this story; no, I do not have blue balls. So really, who won in the end?
• Con_Alma

  wes_mantooth;805575 wrote:... I was escorted from the building in handcuffs by two burly black men armed with batons....

  Why did you find it necessary to explain that the men were black?
• Commander of Awesome

  

  ...
• wes_mantooth

  

  Con_Alma;805580 wrote:Why did you find it necessary to explain that the men were black?

  
  I have never seen one before
• BR1986FB

  Surprised it took this long for them to catch you, Kyrie
• justincredible

  

  I believe it.
• dwccrew

  

  wes_mantooth wrote:I was escorted from the building in handcuffs by two burly black men armed with batons

  Why did you feel it necessary to explain that the men were burly?
• Con_Alma

  dwccrew;805588 wrote:Why did you feel it necessary to explain that the men were burly?

  Anther good question! Maybe the lack of having experience with seeing certain characteristics in a person dictates it be added to the explanation; even if it adds no impacting features to the message.
• wes_mantooth

  

  dwccrew;805588 wrote:Why did you feel it necessary to explain that the men were burly?

  
  Because I was attracted to them
• fan_from_texas

  I was waiting for this to end like this:
  

  The pervasive smell made things difficult but I was fiercely determined. I spat out massive wads of saliva onto my hand and attacked my cock with all my power. Some five minutes into it I hear the door creak open again, but am so close I ignore it. Another groan slips out as I am so close to my cherished goal, but then; "What the ****, are you still doing it? I'm calling security!" And, of course, I told him to just sit right there, and I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air
  
  In west Philadelphia born and raised
  On the playground was where I spent most of my days
  Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
  And all shootin some b-ball outside of school
  When a couple of guys
  Who were up to no good
  Startin making trouble in my neighborhood
  I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
  She said 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air'
  
  I whistled for a cab and when it came near
  The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
  If anything I can say is that this cab was rare
  But I thought 'Man forget it' - 'Yo home to Bel Air'
  
  I pulled up to the house about seven or eight
  And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later'
  I looked to my kingdom
  I was finally there
  To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air

• justincredible

  

  fan_from_texas;805593 wrote:I was waiting for this to end like this:

  
  lol
• THE4RINGZ

  

  At least you finished.
• Heretic

  

  This story proves that perseverance DOES pay off!!!
  
  Inspirational tale of the week!
• THE4RINGZ

  

  America needs more people like Wes. Able to complete tasks under pressure.
• Heretic

  

  THE4RINGZ;805611 wrote:America needs more people like Wes. Able to complete tasks under pressure.

  
  Let's not go crazy, now!
• THE4RINGZ

  

  How much worse could it get?
• BR1986FB

  Unemployed by his own hand...
• wes_mantooth

  

  THE4RINGZ;805611 wrote:America needs more people like Wes. Able to complete tasks under pressure.

  
  Exactly!
• oberhaus

  

  Does the bathroom have a sign stating that all employees must wash their hands before returning to work? What an unsanitary thing for your boss to do. SMH
• THE4RINGZ

  

  I don't think the Amish ever wash their hands.
• oberhaus

  

  THE4RINGZ;805635 wrote:I don't think the Amish ever wash their hands.

  
  Amish? Didnt know they had 2 stall outhouses.
• THE4RINGZ

  

  oberhaus;805641 wrote:Amish? Didnt know they had 2 stall outhouses.

  Oh but they do
• Trueblue23

  

  RIP Rosey Palm
• Thinthickbigred

  You burned off what 60 calories typing that horrible story and wasted several minutes of my own time .
• wes_mantooth

  

  Thinthickbigred;805684 wrote:You burned off what 60 calories typing that horrible story and wasted several minutes of my own time .

  
  Nope....copy and paste fool! Fuck your time!