Saw this one on r/golf this morning.

Saint Peter asks him if he has anything to confess. “Yes, I do.” Says the golfer. “I cussed out on the golf course.” Saint Peter says “tell me about it”.
Golfer:” I was on a par 3, and I hit a beautiful high draw that was going right at the stick, but my ball hit a bird, and dropped 30 yards short.”}
St Peter: “Well, that’s totally forgivable that you would cuss about that “.
Golfer: “ No, I didn’t cuss then. My next shot, I lofted in my 60 degree wedge- headed right for the hole, but it hit the stick and bounced 6 inches away.”
St Peter: “Aw man! What a terrible break- i can see why you would cuss at that. “
Golfer: “ No, I didn’t cuss then either.”
St Peter: “Wait. Don’t tell me you missed the fucking putt..”

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?   Lean Beef

What do you call a cow with no legs?  Ground Beef

How do you find a real man at a nudist colony?  

- Guy that can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

How do you find a real woman at a nudist colony?

- The one who can eat the last donut.

The poet Robert Frost and a Steeler fan both die and go to heaven. St Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and says to them..."gentlemen, if you want to get in, you have to come up with a poem that ends in the word 'Timbuktu' in the next 30 days."

Robert Frost, being a poet, whips one right off by saying "we traversed across the blazing sands, in search of the promised land...a caravan came into view, destination Timbuktu."

St Peter, wiping a tear, says "that's beautiful...go on in" and then turns to the Steeler fan and says "you got anything?"

The Steeler fan says "no" and St Peter says "meet me back here in 30 days and have a poem that ends in Timbuktu or you're going to Hell."

Thirty days later they meet at the gates and St Peter says "do you have anything?" and the Steeler fans says "I think so" and St Peter says "well hit me with it."

Steeler fan: Tim and I a fishin' went, we came upon 3 hoes in a tent, they was three and we was two, I buck one and Tim buck two."

*Insert obligatory "YOUR MOM" response to the thread title.

Some years back a local farmer I know bought a horse for his daughter to ride around the farm.  One day at after church we were talking about caring for horses, and he said he'd had trouble recently with birds building nests in the horse's mane, but that he started putting yeast in the mane.

I asked if it took care of the problem.  He said, "Yep - no more birds nesting in there."

I asked him how it worked.  He replied, "Well, yeast is yeast, and nest is nest - and never the mane shall tweet."

posted by Zunardo

Some years back a local farmer I know bought a horse for his daughter to ride around the farm.  One day at after church we were talking about caring for horses, and he said he'd had trouble recently with birds building nests in the horse's mane, but that he started putting yeast in the mane.

I asked if it took care of the problem.  He said, "Yep - no more birds nesting in there."

I asked him how it worked.  He replied, "Well, yeast is yeast, and nest is nest - and never the mane shall tweet."

I like my jokes to be short and sweet like this one:

Dad: Stop jacking off, son. It’ll make you go blind. 
Son: I’m over here, dad. 
 

I’m also a good Dad joke teller (aka Groaners) like these:

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says “You can come in, but don’t you start anything’. 
 

What happened to the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?  He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog. 
 

Little Johnny tells the teacher that his father has been helping him learn to count. 
Teacher: What comes after 3?

Johnny: 4

Teacher: Good. What comes after 7?

Johnny: 8

Teacher: Very good. What comes after 10?

Johnny: Jack

Cop: OK, buddy, where were you between 4 and 6?

Suspect: in kindergarten 

All the toilets seats were stolen at the police station. The cops have nothing to go on. 
 

Judge: You are here for drinking. 
Defendant: Well let’s get started. 
 

A blind man walks into the grocery produce department, picks up his service dog by the tail and swings it around over his head. The shocked manager rushes over and says “Sir, sir can help you?”.  The blind man says “no thanks, I’m just looking around”. 
 

Enough for now. 

What’s the difference between Wayne Gretzky and Courtney Love?

Gretzky finally takes a shower after 3 periods...

Why don’t you see any Mexicans in the Olympics?

• If they can run, jump or swim they are in America.

Girl gets into a bad accident. The doctor says she is now a paraplegic and probably only has a few days to live. The woman says, “But doctor, I can’t die yet. I’ve never been on a date!” So the doctor takes her on a romantic cruise on the lake. The night woman says, “Doctor, the date can’t be over yet...I’ve never been kissed”. So the a Doctor gives her a kiss. Then the woman says, “doctor, you’ve been so wonderful. I just have one more request before I die — I’ve never been fucked.” So the doctor says, “ok, I’ll grant this last request” and throws the woman overboard...”now you’re fucked”.

Have heard it...good though

A guy was driving his truck to Arkansas to visit his cousin he hadn’t seen in years. Guy gets pretty near his destination and gets to a “Bridge Out” sign but sees it not an overly wide waterway and wonders if he could just drive through it. An Arkansas native is down near the water just lurking around. The guy asks him how deep the water is and the he wasn’t sure exactly but said it wasn’t very deep at all and he could easily get his truck through. The guy runs back to his truck, drives down to water and gets about  halfway across and his truck fully submerged under water and guy gets out and swims to safety....pissed the hell off. Goes screaming and stomping over to the fisherman and says “you said it wasn’t very deep” Arkansas native replied, “well it only came halfway up on the duck”

posted by ernest_t_bass

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?   Lean Beef

What do you call a cow with no legs?  Ground Beef

What is the name of the waitress with one leg?

Eileen

posted by wkfan

What is the name of the waitress with one leg?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eileen

Where does she work?

IHOP

What do you call a guy who hangs on the wall?

Art.

3 guys are hiking on a remote island when they're suddenly surrounded by a tribe of natives. The natives bring the 3 men back to the village and stand them in front of their chief. Chief walks over the the first man and says "Death, or booga booga?" The first man says "well... i don't know what booga booga is but I don't want to die... so booga booga". Chief yells "booga booga!" and the rip the mans pants off and sodomize him. Chief walks up to the 2nd man and again asks "Death, or booga booga?". 2nd man says "ah fuck.. i dont wanna get pounded in the ass, but i have a family and don't want to die... booga booga". Chief yells "booga booga" and rips the mans pants off and sodomizes him. Chief walks up to the 3rd man and says "Death, or booga booga?". The 3rd man says" fuck that.. you aint fuckin me in the ass.. I choose death." Chief yells "Death!... by booga booga".

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip.

I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

A man walked into a department store.  He spotted a woman at one of the desks and approaches.

"Excuse me, miss.  Do you guys sell grapes?"

The woman, confused, was apologetic in her reply.  "I'm sorry sir, but we don't.  This is a department store.  We have clothing, shoes, and a few other things, but we don't sell produce.  I'm sorry."

The man didn't seem troubled by the response.  He cheerfully bid her a good day and left.

The following day, the man again entered the department store.  He found the same woman at the desk, and he approached her.

"Excuse me, miss.  Do you sell grapes?"

The woman, even more confused than before, chuckled.  "Weren't you in here yesterday?  I'm sorry.  We don't ever sell grapes.  It's just not something we have here.  Sorry."

Again, the man thanked her with a smile and went on his way.

The next day, the man again entered the department store, found the woman, and approached her.

"Excuse me, miss.  Do you sell grapes?"

The woman, showing a mixture of bewilderment and frustration, still managed to keep her composure as she replied, "No, sir.  We do not sell grapes.  No matter how many times you ask, the answer will still be no."

Unfazed, the man smiled, thanked her, and left.

The following day, yet again, the man entered the department store, found his favorite lady, and walked up to her to ask, "Excuse me, miss, but do you sell grapes?"

The woman, now visibly upset, replied, "Sir, I think you've asked enough.  We do no sell grapes.  I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

The man replied, "No problem.  I'm sorry for the trouble," and left.

The next day, the man again entered the department store.  He spotted the same woman behind the counter and approached, asking, "Excuse me, miss.  Do you sell grapes?"

She went berserk, "NO, YOU IDIOT!  WE DON'T SELL GRAPES!  WE'VE NEVER SOLD GRAPES!  WE'LL NEVER SELL GRAPES!  IF YOU COME IN ASKING FOR GRAPES AGAIN, I'M GOING TO NAIL YOU TO THE WALL!  GET OUT!  NOW!!!"

The man, completely ignoring the yelling, politely apologized, thanked her, and left.

The next day, the man came in and found the woman.  He approached the counter, and before he even got to the desk, she spotted him and and became upset.

As he reached her, he asked, "Pardon me, miss, but do you sell nails?"

Already angry, she shouted, "NO!"

He then smiled very widely and said, "Good.  Do you sell grapes?"

posted by O-Trap

He then smiled very widely and said, "Good.  Do you sell grapes?"

This is a good old one with the version I know as a duck walks into a bar and keeps asking the bartender for a drink and the bartender says “we don’t serve ducks”. Finally, he says “if you come into this bar one more time I’m going to nail your bill to the bar”. 
 

(the bartender should have just served the duck so it could say............put it on my bill)