YESTERDAY, July 28, 2020 a date which will live in infamy
Dr Winston O’Boogie was suddenly and deliberately misled in a search by the algorithm
forces of the Empire of Excite.com.
Dr. Winston O’Boogie was at peace with that Search
Engine, and at the solicitation of the “contact us” button on that site, was
still in texting conversation with its Customer Service department toward
maintenance of peace in cyberspace.
Indeed, one hour after Excite’s search results had commenced giving results
to queries such as “what is the speed of light” with sites such as “why Trump’s
farts smell like moldy avocadoes”, the Excite Customer Service text AI
delivered to Dr. Winston O’Boogie’s inbox a formal reply to a recent message. And while this reply stated that it seemed
useless to continue the existing “contact us” discussions, it contained no
threat or hint of cyber war or rerouting O’Boogie’s searches to sites about
parakeets eating diarrhea.
It will be recorded that the distance of Dr Winston O’Boogie’s
basement from Excite’s headquarters makes it obvious the this attack was
deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time
the Excite Customer Service has deliberately sought to deceive the Dr. Winson O’Boogie
by false expressions of hope for improved service and better search
results. There was even included a
discount on becoming a premium member.
The attack yesterday on said search results has caused
severe damage to Dr. O’Boogie’s moral and peace of mind. I regret to tell you that very many minutes
of time have been lost. In addition, Dr. O’Boogie’s fingers have been reported
sore from excessive “try again” attempts to try to obtain satisfactory search
results.
Yesterday, Excite.com also launched an attack against
Spock, a legendary dodge ball instructor with special insight into medicine and
politics. Attacks were also carried out
against Quaker Oats, a philosophical master, Sports and Lady, a Woke Hipster,
Jmog, and engineering wonder, and Justincredible, a libertarian outcast.
Excite has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive
extending throughout the realm of the intrawebs. The facts of yesterday and today speak for
themselves. The persons of Ohio Chatter
have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the
very life and happiness of our hours spent hauling ass down the wasteful Rabbit
Hole.
As Commander of Awesome states, he has directed that all measures
be taken for our defense.
But always will our whole site remember the character of
the onslaught against us.
No matter how long it may take us to overcome this
premeditated affront, the Ohio Chatter users in their righteous might will win
through to absolute victory.