Get cash towards your meal when you bring in left overs.
Column: Lefty's Restaurant expects warmed-over welcome in Kinston
Comments 3
May 26, 2011 12:00 AM
Jon Dawson
Columnist
If you’re a restaurateur in Kinston, you’re probably sleeping with one eye open these days. The Broken Eagle is the latest to succumb, and the rumor mill is rife with news that other closings are on the way.
While most sane people would shy away from opening a new restaurant during one of the worst economies since Jimmy Carter’s brother relieved himself in front of a slew of reporters, Hines Ward believes he has a concept that is recession proof.
“When I was growing up we always ate leftovers,” Ward said. “If we had shepherd’s pie on Monday you could bet your sweet bippy you’d see it again on Tuesday. Since most Americans eat leftovers, I thought it would be a good idea to open a leftover-themed restaurant.”
The restaurant — which will be called “Lefty’s” — will be Hines’ second attempt at culinary success.
“I opened a Lefty’s in Washington, D.C., back in 2003,” Ward said. “Republicans refused to eat there because of the name, and the Democrats boycotted us because they thought we were discriminating against right-handed people.”
To dispel any misconceptions about Lefty’s, Ward is buying newspaper ads and radio time to let people know what his restaurant is all about.
“Say you have hamburgers on Wednesday night, and there are three left over,” Ward said. “If you don’t want to eat hamburgers again that week, all you have to do is use our drive-thru window on your way to work. Someone from our staff will weigh your leftovers and pay you $1.50 per pound.”
Lefty’s, on Vernon Avenue between Hardee’s and McDonald’s, opened on May 24 to rave reviews.
“The service is really fast because the food has already been cooked,” said Lefty’s customer Haney Ginsburg of Grifton. “I got some hamburger steak that had a few cigarette ashes on top, just like mama used to make.”
While Lefty’s looks like it could weather the bad economy, Ward admits that some people have tried to take advantage of his new business model.
“We caught a couple of truants going through the soup kitchen line and bringing the food over here to sell,” Ward said. “I know the police are busy, so I made them go out and bring back a switch. You just can’t beat the compassionate discipline of a well-formed magnolia limb.”
Being this is the South, the biggest sellers at Lefty’s so far have been collards, squash and fried chicken.
“I had to pull out my pistol the other day when a guy from PETA came in here with some tofu,” Ward said. “That mess looked like the salve we used to put on the diseased part of a mule’s butt.”
If Lefty’s is a success Hines plans to open a retread-only tire shop, a used but not abused underwear boutique and a dating service for women who’ve recently lowered their standards.
“There are plenty of single and/or divorced men in Lenoir County that need women to take care of them,” Ward said. “If you’re a single woman looking for an average fella to keep the grass cut and keep his trap shut during ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ I’ve got several men for you to choose from. Most of them are a little paunchy and have lost some hair, but the majority of them have passed their emissions tests. Several have less than 100,000 miles on them, although a few do have problematic transmissions.”
Get cash towards your meal when you bring in left overs.
HOF
Wait. That link didn't take me to The Onion. What the hell is going on?!?! Mind exploding.
Sweetness.