the best jokes you got

• Al Capone

  I posted a good one on the little johnny thread. To long to do it again.
• BigAppleBuckeye

  

  A 45-year old woman, proud of her new boob job and facelift, decides to go to McDonalds for lunch.
  
  "Guess how old I am," she asks the teenage boy behind the counter.
  
  "Ummm, I don't know maam ... 30?" he replies.
  
  "Nope! I am 45! Crazy, right?" she giggles.
  
  The woman smiles, pays for her food, and goes outside to catch the bus.
  
  On the bus, the woman turns to an old man standing next to her.
  
  "Guess how old I am," she says to the old man.
  
  "Well, I KNOW I can tell, but you have to let me feel your breasts. If you do, I KNOW I will guess the right age."
  
  The woman reluctantly agrees, and the old man grabs both breasts, fondles them for about 2 minutes, thinks, and proclaims "You are 45!"
  
  Amazed, she asks "You could tell that just by grabbing my tits?"
  
  "Nope," says the old man. "I was standing behind you in line at McDonalds."
• GoChiefs

  

  Al Capone wrote: I posted a good one on the little johnny thread. To long to do it again.

  Yes..b/c copy and paste takes FOREVER!!!!!!
• Al Capone

  GoChiefs wrote:

  Al Capone wrote: I posted a good one on the little johnny thread. To long to do it again.

  Yes..b/c copy and paste takes FOREVER!!!!!!

  You should know by now that I cant do that. I just found out how to use these faces today.:huh:
• homefield

  

  [size=medium]A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge
  black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the
  small white guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound
  left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown” The small white guy faints !!
  
  The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping
  his face and shaking him
  and asks the small white guy. “What’s wrong?”.
  
  The small white guy says; “Excuse me but what did you say?”.
  
  The big black dude looks down and says “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
  dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
  
  The small white guy says, “Thank god, I thought you said ‘Turn around.’”
  
  [/size]
• bcubed

  

  An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money... She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
  
  After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
  
  The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
  
  The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
  
  The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are
  Square.'
  
  The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
  
  The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
  
  'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
  
  'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
  
  That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
  
  The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
  
  The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
  
  The president was happy to oblige.
  
  The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
  
  The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'
• bcubed

  

  An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
  His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'
  A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'
  After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
  Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, Touchdown, tie score.'
  Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
  Field goal, I lead 17 to 14 .' Now the pressure is on the old man.
  He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
  Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
  And accidentally shits in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
  The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
• bcubed

  

  One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,' who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said. The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree. The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
  No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
  The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
  The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.
• bcubed

  

  THE POTTY
  
  A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND. HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE." BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET." MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES.BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
  
  BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
• mtrulz

  JJ Huddle once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
• GOONx19

  

  A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.
  
  He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."
  
  The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road
• GOONx19

  

  Why do undertakers wear ties?
  
  Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
• GOONx19

  

  A duck walks into a bar...
  
  Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.
• GOONx19

  

  Why was six afraid of seven?
  
  It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
• GOONx19

  

  A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
  
  Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair color doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.
• GOONx19

  

  How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  
  I imagine it would take a great many. Mice would find it difficult to reach a ceiling light fitting, and would individually lack the strength or dexterity required to turn a bulb in such a socket. Even if you had enough mice to lend their strength to such an endeavor, the chances of them having the intelligence and wherewithal to perform such a complex activity is really quite low
• GOONx19

  

  A man is driving down a country road at night when his car gets a flat tire. He stops by a local farmhouse and asks the owner if he can stay there for the night.
  
  "Sure," says the farmer. "As long as you don't touch my three beautiful daughters."
  
  The man did as he was told, because frankly, he didn't find the girls nearly so attractive as their father seemed to.
• GOONx19

  

  Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.
• rookie_j70

  

  A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is laying in bed, and the guy says "Honey, this is the pig I have to screw when you're not around." The wife is confused and says, "um you know that's a sheep, right?" The guy finally responds "I wasn't talking to you"
• mtrulz

  The only thing JJ Huddle fears is JJ Huddle.
• Rotinaj

  

  A baby seal walks into a club.
• Firad

  

  What's the difference between the Columbus Zoo and the White House?
  
  The Zoo has an African Lion and the White House has a Lyin' African!
• mtrulz

  One day, JJ Huddle walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
• bcubed

  

  Eric Frantz told me this one!
  
  What is the most common overheard pick up line in a GAY bar?
  
  Can I push in your stool!
• mtrulz

  JJ Huddle once sued Burger King after they refused to put a razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.