Best Clean Jokes

• OneBuckeye

  

  How do you know the hipster has a burnt tounge?
  
  He ate his dinner before it was cool.
  
  
  
  Please keep length to a minimum. No one wants to read a paragraph for a punchline.
• Devils Advocate

  

  OneBuckeye;906532 wrote: Please keep length to a minimum. No one wants to read a paragraph for a punchline.

  I don't think anyone wants to read a clean joke...
• GoChiefs

  

  Devils Advocate;906695 wrote:I don't think anyone wants to read a clean joke...

  /thread.
• BR1986FB

  Sorry...all of my jokes are long.
  
  A retired man goes to the social security office to apply for SS. The clerk asks him for his identification but he seemed to forgot it at home. The clerk says, "unbutton your shirt." The man thought the clerk's request was odd but he unbuttoned anyway. The clerk says, "Ok then..you're approved. The white hairs on your chest is enough proof for me." The man returns home and tells his wife about his experience. The wife says, "You should've dropped your pants. You would've gotten disability too."
  
  And...
  
  A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken.
  
  And...
  
  A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
• 4cards

  

  ...Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
  
  The other says, “Go home Dad you’re drunk.”<O></O><O> </O>
• OneBuckeye

  

  Devils Advocate;906695 wrote:I don't think anyone wants to read a clean joke...

  It's meant to be be more of a corny joke or stupid joke thread... keep em coming
• OneBuckeye

  

  Why doesn't a woman need a watch?
  
  There's a clock on the stove.
  
  
  
  Why doesn't a woman need skis?
  
  There's no mountain between the kitchen and the bedroom .
• SnotBubbles

  

  Why doesn't ETB like girls?
  
  Because he likes boys.
  
  
  Why doesn't CCRunner shave his head?
  
  Because his hair wouldn't float out of the top of his visor if his head were shaved...durrrr!
  
  
  Why doesn't thavoice post on here more often?
  
  His wife won't let him.
• Mulva

  

  Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his bean soup?
  
  Because if he added one more, it'd be too farty.
• SnotBubbles

  

  Mulva;906761 wrote:Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his bean soup?
  
  Because if he added one more, it'd be too farty.

  
• Devils Advocate

  

  You think that it was funny
  
  
  
  But it'snot.
• 4cards

  

  ...Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
  
  No further testing is planned.
• 4cards

  

  ...A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them start on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".
  
  The soldier pulls out his binoculars, but sees nothing. Confused and says to the Indian, "I don't see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
  
  And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".
• Mulva

  

  SnotBubbles;906764 wrote:

  
  
• BR1986FB

  Mulva;906761 wrote:Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his bean soup?
  
  Because if he added one more, it'd be too farty.

  Thought that shit was funny as Hell. Already recycled it and had a few people in the office rolling (one was VERY Irish). Well done!
• Heretic

  

  Two old women had been friends for life. When they were younger, they'd played softball regularly for years, until health stopped that. One was near death, so during their last conversation together, the other one asked her to send her a sign if there would be softball in the afterlife. After the sick woman died, the other one was woke up in the night by her voice. She got up and saw the ghostly shape of her friend. She asked what the verdict was on softball and was told there was good news and bad news. "The good news is that there is, the diamonds are immaculate and you can play all day," said the ghost. The living woman responded, "That's great...but what's the bad news?" "Well, I was looking at the rosters for next week's games and you're scheduled to be our pitcher."
• ernest_t_bass

  

  SnotBubbles;906758 wrote:Why doesn't ETB like girls?
  
  Because he likes boys.
  
  
  Why doesn't CCRunner shave his head?
  
  Because his hair wouldn't float out of the top of his visor if his head were shaved...durrrr!
  
  
  Why doesn't thavoice post on here more often?
  
  His wife won't let him.

  
  IPOTW
• SnotBubbles

  

  ernest_t_bass;906809 wrote:IPOTW

  FOTW
• ernest_t_bass

  

  What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, water-skiing?
  - Skip
  
  What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, outside of a hole?
  - Doug
  
  What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, sitting in a hole?
  - Phil
  
  What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, standing on stage?
  - Mike
  
  What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, in a pile of leaves?
  - Russel
  
  What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, sitting in a pond?
  - Bob
• ernest_t_bass

  

  SnotBubbles;906813 wrote:FOTW

  What's the "F" stand for?
• ernest_t_bass

  

  What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
  - Ilene
  
  What do you call Chinese woman with one leg longer than the other?
  - Irene
• Heretic

  

  ernest_t_bass;906821 wrote:What's the "F" stand for?

  Fuck. You're his fuck of the week this week. Have fun tonight!
• ernest_t_bass

  

  Heretic;906826 wrote:Fuck. You're his fuck of the week this week. Have fun tonight!

  schweet
• SnotBubbles

  

  ernest_t_bass;906821 wrote:What's the "F" stand for?

  Friend.
• tcarrier32

  

  did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.