Divorced folks in the OC.....

• thedynasty1998

  

  Yea, you don't have any equity, so it's a moot point. If anything, you will have to throw her a couple thousand dollars.
• Commander of Awesome

  

  Be sure to pay attention to this dynasty, you'll soon be in this boat asking similar questions.
• fan_from_texas

  Here's a solution: go to a family counselor (your pastor can probably recommend one, or find one via google). Go a handful of times and spend $50 or whatever each time. If it works, you're in a happy marriage again, and you've saved thousands in costs and lots of headaches. If it doesn't work, you're not much worse off than you were before.
  
  Don't give up on the marriage. If there is no infidelity, and instead just general apathy/arguing/etc., stick it out. It can be as good again as it was once--or even better.
• Skyhook79

  

  fan_from_texas;697579 wrote:Here's a solution: go to a family counselor (your pastor can probably recommend one, or find one via google). Go a handful of times and spend $50 or whatever each time. If it works, you're in a happy marriage again, and you've saved thousands in costs and lots of headaches. If it doesn't work, you're not much worse off than you were before.
  
  Don't give up on the marriage. If there is no infidelity, and instead just general apathy/arguing/etc., stick it out. It can be as good again as it was once--or even better.

  Excellent advice.
• Fab1b

  

  I'll say this, since I got out with no kids. If you don't think you'll be happy in the long term get out now before you have kids or try to stick it out and it crashes again later. Life is not worth going through unhappy my friend!
• tk421

  

  Terrible idea. If she is wanting a divorce before even a year is up, nothing you do will make it better. She may decide to stick with you for a few more years with counseling but every time you mess up or she's in a bitchy mood, all you'll hear will be "I should have divorced your ass when I had the chance". You'll never hear the end of it.
• password

  

  Does she have a sister?
• fan_from_texas

  tk421;697687 wrote:Terrible idea. If she is wanting a divorce before even a year is up, nothing you do will make it better. She may decide to stick with you for a few more years with counseling but every time you mess up or she's in a bitchy mood, all you'll hear will be "I should have divorced your ass when I had the chance". You'll never hear the end of it.

  
  
  Not true. You'd be amazed at the transformations that can be had by spending some time working on a marriage. Getting out of a marriage is expensive, messy, and emotionally tough. It's not fun.. It's much easier and cheaper to put in extra time and effort working on the marriage.
• Timber

  oldmarriedfool;697414 wrote:thanx. of course did not ever expect this to happen at all and it is not a done deal thats for sure. just trying to get some information. anyone who has been divorced when does the guilt and shame of the idea succumb to the reality that neither is happy and the best thing is to end it and to pull the trigger? right now that seems to be the only thing keeping the two together, that they are scared, embarrased and guilty. not that either has stepped out on teh marriage or anything but am talking about the guilt that is associated with feeling like you failed

  Really? After 6 -8 months neither is happy? Not to pry too much, but did anyone change careers or something? How can you find out that quick that you are both not happy? Not able to spend time with old friends like you used to?
  
  I am not judging, just trying to understand how that can happen. If you are having power struggles over money, sex, going out, etc... those things can be worked out. Swallowing pride of each to make the unity work can do wonders for any relationship. There is no shame in admitting guilt of being selfish, but I do not think you have earned the right to get divorced yet.... At least not without seeking professional counseling. JMO
  
  Best wishes to both of you... hope it works out the way you want it to.
• dwccrew

  

  fan_from_texas;697579 wrote:Here's a solution: go to a family counselor (your pastor can probably recommend one, or find one via google). Go a handful of times and spend $50 or whatever each time. If it works, you're in a happy marriage again, and you've saved thousands in costs and lots of headaches. If it doesn't work, you're not much worse off than you were before.
  
  Don't give up on the marriage. If there is no infidelity, and instead just general apathy/arguing/etc., stick it out. It can be as good again as it was once--or even better.

  
  Damn man, what kind of lawyer are you? You need to convince people they need a divorce, not the contrary.
• oldmarriedfool

  Timber;698120 wrote:Really? After 6 -8 months neither is happy? Not to pry too much, but did anyone change careers or something? How can you find out that quick that you are both not happy? Not able to spend time with old friends like you used to?
  
  I am not judging, just trying to understand how that can happen. If you are having power struggles over money, sex, going out, etc... those things can be worked out. Swallowing pride of each to make the unity work can do wonders for any relationship. There is no shame in admitting guilt of being selfish, but I do not think you have earned the right to get divorced yet.... At least not without seeking professional counseling. JMO
  
  Best wishes to both of you... hope it works out the way you want it to.

  
  no career change at all. really do not know what happened and people probably hear this alot but it seemed spouse A did a 180 right after marriage. what spouse A once thought was endearing of spouse B is now taboo. prior to marriage spouse a loved the dedication spouse b had in keeping in shape and working out at gym and now spouse b is not even allowed to be a member. spouse a loved how close spouse b was with his family and now spouse b is not allowed to spend any time around his family unless spouse a is present and spouse a makes sure to plan things when spouse b family is doing stuff. spouse b had a family nephew who played in a game, takes an hour, and spouse a was out of town for a few hours so spouse b wen to watch the game and that was completely wrong even though it did not infringe on spouse a and b time together. also if spouse b spends any money spouse a wants equal cash back. something as simple as picking up the sunday paper became an argument of 'dont ya think we can spend 2 dollar on something better' but will have no problem in buying a movie for 20 bucks to watch it once or forgetting to return redbox movies and getting charged extra. getting up early to run is considered inconsiderate now to spouse a as spouse a wakes up...but prior to marriage it was welcomed because then spouse a was happy to get the whole bed.
  
  spouse a accuses spouse b of alot of bogus stuff. will say on the phone 'are you alone...who else is there?" and 'are you really going to work today' as if I am to just blow it off and do whatever. leaving 5-10 min early for work becomes a bone of contention too.
  
  i do not know if therapy would work....i really dont can def try but i can tell you both spouse a and b are miserable.
  
  
  its as if spouse a wantss spouse b to mess up and or to leave. spouse b follows spouse a stipulationis and that is not good enough so another stipulation is handed down. spouse a reminds spouse b that he is being followed personally and electronically and will say 'i heard you did this today' which is alawys false. its like spouse is taking stabs in the dark. spouse a wants phone and bank records of which spouse b provides gladly. spouse a said the sheriffs dept has the divorce papers and each day for 2 weeks would say 'maybe your papers will get delivered today' and spouse b got fed up and contacted the dept to ask and they did looking and not such papers ever existed there.
  
  spouse a says suspicious becuase supposedly the investigator or whatever reports of spouse b doing innapropriate things which is 100% wrong. spouse a will say 'who is _____' and on two occasions spouse B never even heard of someone by that name but apparently spouse a invvestigator says spouse b is talking or being with those people
• Skyhook79

  

  oldmarriedfool;698245 wrote:no career change at all. really do not know what happened and people probably hear this alot but it seemed spouse A did a 180 right after marriage. what spouse A once thought was endearing of spouse B is now taboo. prior to marriage spouse a loved the dedication spouse b had in keeping in shape and working out at gym and now spouse b is not even allowed to be a member. spouse a loved how close spouse b was with his family and now spouse b is not allowed to spend any time around his family unless spouse a is present and spouse a makes sure to plan things when spouse b family is doing stuff. also if spouse b spends any money spouse a wants equal cash back. something as simple as picking up the sunday paper became an argument of 'dont ya think we can spend 2 dollar on something better' but will have no problem in buying a movie for 20 bucks to watch it once or forgetting to return redbox movies and getting charged extra. getting up early to run is considered inconsiderate now to spouse a as spouse a wakes up...but prior to marriage it was welcomed because then spouse a was happy to get the whole bed.
  
  spouse a accuses spouse b of alot of bogus stuff. will say on the phone 'are you alone...who else is there?" and 'are you really going to work today' as if I am to just blow it off and do whatever. leaving 5-10 min early for work becomes a bone of contention too.
  
  i do not know if therapy would work....i really dont can def try but i can tell you both spouse a and b are miserable.

  
  If you do not mind me asking, how long did you guys date or see each other before you got married?
• Fab4Runner

  

  Never been married (never even lived with a S.O. actually) but it sounds like this stuff could be fixable with some counseling and work. It's not as if one person cheated on the other, lied about something big, caused the other to not trust them in any way. If it were me I would at least try to work things out before completely giving up.
• oldmarriedfool

  Skyhook79;698252 wrote:If you do not mind me asking, how long did you guys date or see each other before you got married?

  
  and that is the problem. wont say how long but it was the second time the two had been together.
  
  appreciate the feedback everyone. keep it coming please as I will be back online sunday or monday.
• Scarlet_Buckeye

  

  1. How old are she/you?
  2. Can you give a ball park in how long you knew each other prior to the marriage?
• Thread Bomber

  

  
• thedynasty1998

  

  I think the question about how long you were together prior to marriage is an important one? Sounds like there are trust issues, that should have been ironed out prior to marriage, so maybe you rushed into it? Did you live together prior to marriage? I know traditionally people are supposed to wait until marriage to cohabitate, however, you learn a lot about someone after you are living with them.
• THE4RINGZ

  

  I guess we have figured out from his example just exactly who "spouse b" is.
• thavoice

  Thread Bomber;698382 wrote:

  
  Dude, is that a real video? I assume it was on MTV, did the guy get charged with anyting because that seems like one helluva punch!
  
  Do not have any advice really but goodluck to ya.
• enigmaax

  THE4RINGZ;698405 wrote:I guess we have figured out from his example just exactly who "spouse b" is.

  
  I am dumb...and confused. I would think the OP is Spouse B, but also that Spouse B is the woman. Because what guy is gonna get ran like that? So is the OP a woman or just a really weakass dude? Or, is the OP really not either of them (which I find hard to believe, but he/she keeps referring to "them")?
• enigmaax

  thavoice;698419 wrote:Dude, is that a real video? I assume it was on MTV, did the guy get charged with anyting because that seems like one helluva punch!

  
  Lack of awareness about the Jersey Shore = Losing
• THE4RINGZ

  

  I think the OP speaking in the third person was their original attempt to make it seem like it was a hypothetical situation.
• thavoice

  enigmaax;698422 wrote:Lack of awareness about the Jersey Shore = Losing

  
  Ha. Guilty as charged. Can honestly say I have watched less than 2 minutes of the show in my life and that was by accident!
• enigmaax

  THE4RINGZ;698423 wrote:I think the OP speaking in the third person was their original attempt to make it seem like it was a hypothetical situation.

  
  That was my guess, too. So now is OP a girl or a gigantic pussy?
• fan_from_texas

  dwccrew;698159 wrote:Damn man, what kind of lawyer are you? You need to convince people they need a divorce, not the contrary.

  
  Not a divorce lawyer here--married to a psychotherapist (marriage/family therapist). After seeing people go through divorces, it's always expensive and ugly. It's usually easier and cheaper to work on the marriage and make it right than it is to fight over it.