Whats your all-time favorite somebody or something walked into a bar joke?

• hang_loose

  Or Knock..Knock joke.
• wes_mantooth

  

  From the BOB and Tom show.....
  
  Guys walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "Cheese sandwiches $2.....Handjobs $ 10"
  Guy says "excuse me miss.....are you the lady that gives the handjobs?"
  she says "Yes I am."
  
  "Well, wash those hands and get me a cheese sandwich".
• charliehustle14

  A guy walks into a bar, the next one ducks.
  
  I work part time retail at a clothing store and I had 3 Japanese guys in the store one day. They were over to the states for 3 weeks and it was one of their first days there. They demanded I tell them an 'American bar' joke and I told them this one because I don't know too many (especially appropriate ones). They laughed their asses off, all shook my hand, and preceded to buy $850 worth of dress shirts, ties, suits, slacks, sweaters, etc. between the 3 of them. Too bad I don't get commission.
• Red_Skin_Pride

  

  "Two Jews walk into a bar...
  
  I forget the rest....
  
  ...but anyway, your mother's a whore" lmao. Its the guy that used to play Sean Connery on SNL's "Celebrity Jeopardy" skits.
• dcrocks

  A man walks into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
  
  As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.
  
  The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."
• newarkcatholicfan

  

  A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
  
  The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
  
  While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
  
  "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
• newarkcatholicfan

  

  A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
  places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
  and asks what's in the bag.
  
  The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
  
  The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
  beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
  
  The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
  
  So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!"
  
  The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
  
  The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think
  your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
  not a million ducks."
  
  "Tell me about it!!" says the man,
  "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
• newarkcatholicfan

  

  A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, got any corn? The bartender say's to the duck, listen duck, we sell beer, wine and liquor in her and no corn. The duck walks away.
  The next day the duck walk back into the bar and hops up on a stool and ask's the bartender, got any corn? The bartender says to him, listen I already told you that we sell drinks in here and no corn. The duck walks out.
  The next day the duck walks in and ask's got any corn and the bartender tell;s him, Listen duck If you ask me that again I'm gonna nail your beak to the wall over there, got it ? The duck walks out.
  The next day the the duck walk in and ask's the bartender, got any nails ? The bartender say's no why?
  The duck say's , got any corn?
• vikingfan74

  A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.
• jlghoops

  A Horse walks into a bar. The Bartender says "hey, buddy why the long face?"
• se-alum

  

  A baby seal walks into a club.
• McFly1955

  

  Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar, the bartender says "hey ma'am, why the long face"?
• hootie44

  A toothless termite goes into this club and says, Is the Bar tender here?
• darbypitcher22

  

  some of these are pretty good
• Al Capone

  Guy walks into a bar with a frog attached to his forehead. Bartender asks what the hell happened? The frog looks at the bartender and says I dont know it all started with a mole on my ass.
• Curly J

  

  Since a couple of my favorites have been said already.
  
  A Minister, a Priest, and I Rabbi walk into a bar. The Bartender says, "What is this, a freakin joke?"
• hang_loose

  This is my aunts favorite....Bacon and eggs walk into a bar...Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
• Early Cuyler

  

  wes_mantooth wrote: From the BOB and Tom show.....
  
  Guys walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "Cheese sandwiches $2.....Handjobs $ 10"
  Guy says "excuse me miss.....are you the lady that gives the handjobs?"
  she says "Yes I am."
  
  "Well, wash those hands and get me a cheese sandwich".

  This.
  
  This is exactly what I thought of when I opened this thread.
• BigAppleBuckeye

  

  Mickey Mouse walks into a bar and explains to the bartender that he is going to divorce his wife, Minnie Mouse. Trying to appear interested, the bartender asks Mickey for his divorce papers, which he sees next to Mickey at the bar.
  
  "You know Mickey," the bartender says, "you mention that your wife is insane. I am not sure that is strong grounds for divorce."
  
  "I didn't say she was insane," Mickey replied. "I said she is fucking Goofy."
• redfalcon

  

  Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. After he finishes his drink, the bartender asks him if he'd like another. He replies "I think not," and he disappears.
  
  C Eb and G walk into a bar and the bartender says "sorry, we don't serve minors!". So Eb leaves and the C and the G share a fifth. After a while, G drinks to much and becomes flat, diminishing the experience. He falls to the floor and lands beneath C, which inverts the entire situation. Just then D walks in and says "I'll only be a second," F walks in, but he wasn't sharp enough to augment the situation, A walks in, but the bartender was sure that he was a relative minor of C, and Bb walks in and the bartender says "your the seventh minor tonight!"
  
  If anyone understands that, kudos. If you don't understand it and would like to, take a year of music theory.
  
  
  One more.
  
  A guy walks into a bar and says, "gimme six double shots of Jack, I just found out my brother is gay.". The next days he walks in and says "gimme six double shots of Jack. I just found out my father is gay.". The next day he walks into the bar and says "gimme six double shots of Jack. I just found out my son is gay.". The next day he walks in and says "gimme six double shots of--- ". The bartender interupts and says "Christ, doesn't anyone in your family like women!?". "Yeah," the man replies. "My wife!"
• Darkon

  

  Man walks into a bar and orders a Bud, Miller and a Michelob. Bartenter serves him. He drinks all three and ask for another round. The bartender asks why the three different beers? The man explains that he and his two brothers made a deal many years ago that if they drink they will drink each ones favorite beer.
  The man comes in a few weeks later and only orders a Bud and a Miller. The bartender assumes the worst, serves him and start to offer his condolences and the man starts laughing and says no no no my brothers are fine.
  My wife made me quit drinking.