The most important aspect of cooking is a concept known to the French as , “Mise en place” which means roughly, “Mice in place”. Nobody knows exactly how the term came to be, but we’re trying to translate the words of people that don’t seem to like anything but gulloise and sodomy.
What I’m trying to say here is that you have to be prepared. This isn’t a quick disposal for the guy you just drunk drivered. This shit takes weeks of planning.
People poison themselves all the time. Imagine if we let cows drink rubbing alcohol that had been filtered through toast. You don’t kow where this gross motherfucker’s been; and you need to clean it from the inside out if it’s going to be worth all this damn hassle.
So at least a week before you plan on eating whoever; you have to kidnap them. Give them unlimited access to clean water and provide bread and vitamins. Tea is also acceptable. Be very watchful at this point, because your companion is probably going to try to kill you or run away or something.
Cut out food and vitamins for a few days before the cookout. It’s a lot less pleasant to gut a person when their guts are full of shit.
The way you kill them is also important. If you beat them to death with a hammer you’ll get them all excited and lactic acid will ruin all the meat. You want to do it quickly, cleanly, and by suprise if at all possible.
The best tool for this job is a .22 caliber rifle. The round is large enough to punch through bone, but once it has it will have lost enough energy that it won’t punch through the other side of the head. Instead, the bullet will bounce around inside the skull and drop the target instantly.
Once the food’s been lobotomized, you’ve got to cut its neck and hang it upside down. Make sure you tie the arms up higher than the hole in the neck, or they won’t drain properly.
Now, a human being is a big heavy thing, and by the time you’ve handled a convulsing corpse you will have been impressed by a need to break it into manageable parts. The most important task at the point is the removal of the internal organs.
To eviscerate, make an incision from the anus to the sternum. Don’t cut the anus itself, but rather remove it from the skin around it. Then get to work cutting omentums and duodendums until the digestive tract can be pulled out of the thoracic cavity. Don’t put any holes in it. After the GI tract is out the really perlious work is done. Punch through the diaphram and pull out the heart and lungs. Go ahead and take a bite.
It’s generally recomended that the head, feet, and hands be removed and thrown out with the offal, owing to their distinct and unsettling appearance upon cooking. The body should also be skinned.
To skin the body, insert your hand between the skin and the muscle. By making a fist, you will separate the skin from the flesh. Continue with this method as needed until the skin has been removed.
From this point the body can be used in stews, roasts, and any number of applications. For the purpose of this essay, Appalachian barbecue methods will be employed. Owing to the long cooking time and low cooking temperature, barbecue renders inedible connective tissues into gelatin, making poor cuts much more palatable. A barbecue can also be constructed at minimal cost and used to eat hundreds of people, making it a fine project for the backyard hobbyist.
To build a backyard barbecue smoker, you need:
1. A coffee can(free)
2. A computer fan(One dollar)
3. A large metal trash can(twenty dollars at most)
4. A few feet of duct or conduit (four or five dollars)
5. Chicken wire (five dollars)
6. Rebar(Cheap)
7. Wire coat hangers
8. Lots of apple or hickory wood.
Cut the chicken wire into sections that can fit inside the trashcan horizontally and weave rebar through them. Use the coat hangers to tie rebar to rebar to make legs. Use this method to fashion several racks for the inside of the trashcan.
Punch several small holes in the bottom of the coffee can and mount it low on the side of the trashcan. Run conduit or duct from the top of the coffee can to the bottom of the trashcan and mount the computer fan on the lid of the trashcan. The purpose is for the fan to draw air into the bottom of the coffee can and through the duct, where it will then enter the trashcan at the bottom and exit at the top.
Once the aparattus is finished, cut the carcass into pieces of appropriate size and rub them with a mixture of three parts maple sugar or molasses, two parts chili powder, and one part any spice you like. you can also put garlic or onions in the meat, bu it’s not central to the execution of the dish.
Place the meat on the racks in the trashcan, start a fire in the coffee can, and turn on the computer fan.
Ashes from the fire will fall out of the holes in the bottom of the coffee can, and so all of the work that remains is to be sure that the fire doesn’t burn out until the meat has reached an internal temperature of one hundred and sixty degrees.
Oh my
WTF??????
Ok, I feel like I'm drunk reading that! LOL