Is it bad to talk to ex's while in a relationship?

• Upper90

  Yeah, I've got a decent amount of female friends that I have no interest in having sex with. The whole, "guys aren't friends with girls unless they want something, or if they're gay" line of thinking is pretty unrealistic/immature. Not to mention, it just goes against common sense.
  
  That said, none of them are ex girlfriends. I rarely talk to those, I suppose I talk to one at times, but we only dated for about 5 months, and the nature of our conversations never venture into "I miss you" territory, at all.
  
  I think your new guy isn't being very respectful of the relationship that you two have, I wouldn't lose it if my current g/f still spoke to an ex every now and then, I'm mature enough to realize that happens from time to time, but if they were all "I miss you", I think I'd be a bit irritated.
• ss7

  Upper90 wrote: Yeah, I've got a decent amount of female friends that I have no interest in having sex with. The whole, "guys aren't friends with girls unless they want something, or if they're gay" line of thinking is pretty unrealistic/immature. Not to mention, it just goes against common sense.
  
  That said, none of them are ex girlfriends. I rarely talk to those, I suppose I talk to one at times, but we only dated for about 5 months, and the nature of our conversations never venture into "I miss you" territory, at all.
  
  I think your new guy isn't being very respectful of the relationship that you two have, I wouldn't lose it if my current g/f still spoke to an ex every now and then, I'm mature enough to realize that happens from time to time, but if they were all "I miss you", I think I'd be a bit irritated.

  I was making a general statement. Of course everyone can think of an exception to any rule. I don't think it's an unrealistic, immature, common sense lacking statement. Sorry if I offended your way of thinking man. In the end, you ultimately agreed with the point I was trying to make.
• Upper90

  I wasn't offended at all, and didn't respond as such.
  
  Your point that "Guys aren't texting and being friends with girls unless they want to have sex with them. That's why guys don't have "best" girl friends, unless they are gay." is a point that I think most people would see as incorrect....I honestly don't know one guy in my personal life that doesn't have at least one female friend.
  
  Now, do I believe that there needs to be respect and boundaries in a relationship? Well, of course, that goes without saying, if that's the point you were trying to make, then fine, I'd totally agree.....but using a broad, inaccurate generalization to make that point probably isn't the best way to do it.
• sleeper

  

  He's probably banging those chicks, guaranteed.
  
  An occasional text/call from an ex is okay, but if its happening everyday he probably is trying to hook up with these chicks on the side and you can take that to the bank.
• Ytowngirlinfla

  

  There is a difference though in friends or people you have dated and had sex with. I hbe more guy friends than girl friends but I've never slept with any of them.
• ss7

  Upper90 wrote: I wasn't offended at all, and didn't respond as such.
  
  Your point that "Guys aren't texting and being friends with girls unless they want to have sex with them. That's why guys don't have "best" girl friends, unless they are gay." is a point that I think most people would see as incorrect....I honestly don't know one guy in my personal life that doesn't have at least one female friend.
  
  Now, do I believe that there needs to be respect and boundaries in a relationship? Well, of course, that goes without saying, if that's the point you were trying to make, then fine, I'd totally agree.....but using a broad, inaccurate generalization to make that point probably isn't the best way to do it.

  Yeah, you're right. Generalizations aren't always a good thing. I have girls that are friends but they are friends through other people, like my wife or a buddy. I don't have exclusive one on one friendships with other women. Maybe I have a different viewpoint since I am married. I probably should put myself in the mindset of someone that is casually or even seriously dating.
• Cleveland Buck

  

  There are only 4 answers to any relationship question you might have:
  
  1. She's fucking him.
  2. He's fucking her.
  3. Do her best friend.
  4. Do his new girlfriend.
  
  How's that for generalizing?
• OSH

  

  I have nothing to say to any ex's. And they shouldn't have much to say to me.
  
  I really do not think any ex's provide anything for the other ex (when it's all said and done).
• Fab4Runner

  

  OSH wrote: I have nothing to say to any ex's. And they shouldn't have much to say to me.
  
  I really do not think any ex's provide anything for the other ex (when it's all said and done).

  I disagree. All 3 of my ex boyfriends were my best friends while dating (1.5-2.5 years). Two of them I was friends with before we even started dating. Clearly there was a reason we became such good friends in the first place regardless of the relationship aspect. If it's not a bad breakup where is the problem in remaining friends and still speaking?
• Laley23

  

  Fab4Runner wrote: I am friends with all of my ex boyfriends. I make sure a guy knows this before I even try to date him. It's not as if we talk all the time...but a convo here and there is bound to happen. If the new dude isn't okay with it...well that sucks.

  Yep, Ive had 4 GF in my 23 years. 2 serious (1.5 years and 5 years).
  
  I am still very good friends with both of these two girls. I would consider the 5 year girl my best friend. I tell her pretty much everything and vice versa (including guy/girl help/problems).
  
  It isnt like we talk daily. The one about once a month and I see her a few times a year. The other a couple times a week (like 2) and I see her everytime we are in the same city.
  
  Ive gotten with both of them once since each respective break-up, but neither time was I in a relationship. I really dont see it as a very big deal.
  
  That said, your problem seems to run a bit deeper with the "I miss you" and the pretty constant talking, especially with you in the room. I would never do that. I would answer probably and then ask to call them back. If it was an emergency of some sort I would talk, but leave the room. I think your guy is playing you, but in general I dont think you can make that assumption based on conversing with EXs. I think it is a case by case issue.
• FatHobbit

  

  I am friendly with all my ex's, but I wouldn't trade my current gf for any one of them.
  
  But I agree with everyone else, the I miss you comment is a bad sign.
• Glory Days

  

  I think not being friends with your ex is the safest thing people can do. i think if you are friends, you are kinda playing with fire. think about this, you and your new gf/bf are hanging out with your friends and the ex is there too. i know i would feel pretty akward knowing this other guy who is being all nice to me knows all your personal stuff and maybe even more than i do about my gf. i mean i know there are ex's out there, i guess its just an out of sight out of mind thing for me. plus i was burned during a 4 year relationship when my gf couldnt stop talking to her ex and would go to him for help when me and her would get in a fight. the worst part was, i bit my tongue on the issue for the longest time until she told me she had a problem with me having a female best friend(that nothing ever happend with). haha so it was ok for her to goto her ex for emotional support, but i couldnt have a female best friend.
• Tim Tebow

  I don't see anything wrong with keeping in touch with someone who may have been a big part in their lives. As long as they are not talking on a very consistent basis or hanging out together. But, catching up every couple months or what not... why should they erase a part of their life
• ptangzoot

  Somewhere in this thread is a Chris Rock moment...
  
  I think it goes like this:
  "Guys don't have friends that are girls...they have girls they haven't F'd yet"
  At least that was what I was hearing in my head while reading this thread...
• Fab1b

  

  The only reason guys have girl "friends" is because some where along the way they tried to F said girl and messed up and was put in the friend zone!
  
  As for topic it depends on how the relationship was, how it ended, and if the other half is psycho!! LOL!
• stroups

  

  IMO, If he is talking to them that much he is just trying to keep his options open. Shit hits the fan with you he already has a backup plan in tact. I talk to one of my ex's on a regular basis even when I had other girlfriends. I never cheated on them but given the chance and the right circumstances I probably would have. To me, even though I had those other girlfriends they were never serious just something to entertain me.
• WebFire

  Ytowngirlinfla wrote: Oh yeah I was in the room for one convo about 2 months ago when they said "I miss you too". I was like WTF why would you say that to an ex. I got the we are friends BS.

  Because of this, you need to stop it. An occasional conversation might be ok, but this spells trouble.
• Websurfinbird

  

  Tricky situation. I know there are some folks who are still friends with their ex's and nothing more. But as people of said, there may be some cases when said ex's cross the line of what is appropriate.
  
  
  I know BigAppleBuckeye talks to a couple of his ex-gfs on occasion. If I'm not in the room, he usually lets me know if one of them calls or emails. Honestly, I'm confident enough in our relationship that I'm not too worried about him going back with anyone.
  
  As for me, I've only had one other serious relationship and it ended badly. I've maybe spoken with him a handful of times since, and probably not even once within the last year or so.
• Cat Food Flambe'

  

  It can happen - depends on their history. However, maybe 5% of any purported "friendships" are just that - most of the rest are just the former couple keeping their options open.
  
  One huge exception - if your Siggie made babies with the ex, they don't really have a choice but to deal with them - and being hostile only makes this worse for the kids. You're in the unenviable position of not being your Siggie's primary commitment - and if you are, they have their priorities royally messed up.
• chelsea

  NOPEEEEE!
• Glory Days

  

  i also think if you do talk to you ex, you need to be upfront right away with your new bf/gf. if you wait 6-8 months or something and the new significant other finds out you are talking to an ex, trust issues might develop. they might wonder what else you arent telling them.
• NNN

  

  It sounds like a cop-out, but it really does depend on the situation.
  
  I occasionally talk to previous girls I've dated (in one case, about pretty much everything under the sun). I also am very good friends with a girl who I talk to in some capacity pretty much daily even though she's single and I'm not.
  
  Has it caused friction? Sure. It's natural for girls to be threatened by what they perceive to be intrusion into their territory. I've been accused of everything from being disrespectful to not taking my relationship seriously to "keeping my options open", all of which are ridiculous. For me, I'm a nice guy. I enjoy talking to people and getting new information and new ideas or simply talking about something. Most guys under age 30 are dumbasses who need to grow the hell up. My friends don't fall into that area, whether they're guys or girls.
• OSH

  

  Fab4Runner wrote: If it's not a bad breakup where is the problem in remaining friends and still speaking?

  If I need a friend, I can just go to my other friends. I don't need a friend of the opposite gender to be there to console me or for me to go to...let alone someone who I've probably been intimate with. Just too many possibilities and potentials behind that.
  
  A girl has nothing to offer me in terms of true friendship...apart from my significant other. No girl can offer the same friendship as all my guy friends that I've known for years.
  
  I've spent my time with my ex's. It didn't work out. If I am around them, I will not avoid them. But I will not seek out and talk to them. I will not call, email, text, Facebook, etc. them. There's just nothing in it for me.
  
  I have my best friend of 19 years I can talk with. I have all of my college buddies there for me if I need anything. An ex has nothing to offer...except for the possibility of making a wrong decision somewhere down the line.
• Go_Fast_Sports

  

  run.......faster..... you have the worst luck, I swear, and I thought mine was bad!